Christmas is two weeks away. I love this time of year and usually I’m in the middle of wrapping gifts, making batches of Christmas cookies, and dancing with my kids to favorite holiday tunes.
This year, I’m exhausted. My nerves are so frayed that I can’t relax. I have a hard time focusing on a task at hand. Like today, for example, I have a list of things to do and I just can’t bring myself to do any of them. There’s this pit in the bottom of my stomach that rarely goes away.
Nate and I are both having a hard time coping with Nathan. It’s affecting our entire family and we are so, so, so tired.
My heart aches, friends. I feel so lost and alone sometimes. It feels like we are the only people in the world dealing with this. (I know we aren’t – I just have to reread your wonderful comments on my last post!) The thing is, my son isn’t exactly special needs. But he’s definitely not a normal kid either. I feel like I’m sinking in the abyss that lays between those two worlds.
I used to love connecting with friends and taking the kids for play dates. Now, it’s just not worth the effort and stress anymore. I feel like some of my favorite friendships are slipping away and that hurts. But honestly, I don’t have the time or energy to chase after them.
I shared how Nathan was diagnosed with ADHD and possibly Autism back in October. He is currently on a supplement regimen for his MTHFR gene mutation, seeing a child psychologist on a weekly basis, and also taking a homeopathic remedy.
Honestly, I can’t say that any of the above is working. Somedays, it may seem to be. But then we have a day from hell. And I feel like I’m drowning.
My Nathan. He’s disappearing. He’s become this uptight, anxious, on-edge, frustrated child. He knows his behavior isn’t okay and honestly, he’s just as frustrated as us.
Sure, he has some good days. Last Friday, he made french toast for the whole family and cleaned up after himself. Yesterday he sweetly helped Luke take off his snowsuit while I was making dinner. As our family doctor told us – that is the real Nathan. I know that and I hope he does too. But when the other side of him takes over, it’s that much more devastating.
I’m a big believer in natural remedies and a holistic approach. I prefer the philosophy of treating the core issue and not simply treating symptoms.
But Nathan is one gigantic puzzle and I don’t know what the core issue is.
He’s ADHD, but he’s not. (He can sit and read or draw or play games quietly for hours at a time.)
He’s austistic, but he’s not. (He has some aspergers symptoms, but lacks just as many.)
He has the MTHFR gene mutation and a double one at that. That means his methylation process functions at about 10% of normal. This relates to everything from detoxification, cellular repair, immune system function. That’s huge. Thankfully, we have an amazing family doctor who knew enough to have Nathan tested. (It’s still relatively new in the medical world.) He’s taking supplements to help with this, but I haven’t noticed a change yet.
We’re going to put Nathan on meds.
And while I desperately wanted to avoid medication (we tried it briefly in September and it failed miserably), I feel like we have no choice now.
For Nathan’s sake. He needs this.
Nate and I had a serious conversation this past weekend and decided it was time. We’re working on getting a referral to a specialist, who will have the experience needed to help Nathan.
On one hand, I feel resolved and almost want to sigh with relief that we’re going this route.
On the other hand, if we hold out just a little bit more to see if the supplements or homeopathic remedy works, maybe we wouldn’t need to. But I realize I’ve said that time and time again. For over a year, we’ve “waited” to see if the natural stuff would work. And we’re still struggling.
I’m afraid.
The tears are streaming down my face as I write this.
I love my son so much. I want him to be happy and healthy. I want him to be okay.
As I’m writing this, I hear Nathan’s happy laughter as he watches AFV with his sister downstairs. Luke is napping and Joshua is at preschool.
The thing is, I never know when something will set him off and that laughter will disappear.
I’m scared. My heart aches.
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